Note: Bed 10:00, I capsule of Galantamind (4mg Galantamine, 100 mg Choline, 50 mg Vitamin B-5) at 2:00:
I catch and ride several hypnagogic waves, the first few ones vivid but fleeting, people, a conversation with a smiling blonde man, etc. that end abruptly, as though I hit a neurological wall. After about 2 hours of intermittently changing positions—on stomach left and right, on side left and right with left arm bent, right arm straight along my body then down on the bed, one pillow then two, etc.—I’m following a man up a back staircase deep in a building thinking that my new video game (Deus Ex Human Revolution) has suddenly gotten dimmer, more realistically dark, before I realize I’m heading into a dream; I can feel the resistance-reality intensifying with every step and I’m determined to make it up to the top into a dream… Phase out but not a complete loss because I experience that rushing sense of motion akin to a black river flowing up through me. Here we go! Calmly I experience the sense of motion, amused by the action-adventure sixties style soundtrack accompanying it. The speed slows down and now I’m “hovering” as though deep in starless space witnessing the slow formation, very close up and vast at the same time, of what appears to be a mummy’s face. I’m facing a colossal mummified countenance very slowly revealing part of itself without completely doing so, and there may be more than one. I’m not frightened or disgusted, it feels natural; I had been thinking about my desire to discover the truth of ancient Egypt, if the pyramids were in fact something more than tombs, etc.
Back in bed, another hypnagogic wave transforms into a sensation of sexual desire. I am the darkness that is in constant flowing motion with colors existing just below its “surface” that aren’t quite manifesting, and this motion is music-dance, that’s what I am, what the darkness is. I somehow locate my hips in this “body of darkness” and sway them welcoming, filled with rising desire. I have a fleeting thought I’m inviting unsavory forces to penetrate me (a recurring concern, from my Catholic SC?) but I know my husband is sleeping behind me, turned toward me, I can feel his presence-warmth and I let it flow toward me and into me, become one with me, and it is such a pleasurable, wonderful, arousing and reassuring sensation. I am not filled by him, I can never be filled, but some of his “dark energy” merges with a part of mine and it feels fantastic, a dance without limbs, sex without organs, the soul of the music permeating everything.
Landing in bet yet again, aroused, I try and hold on to a hypnagogic scene in which I’m lying on top of a woman and kissing her, so nice (an experience I’ve also enjoyed very much in WR) but no luck. Another hypnagogic scene of a city sidewalk at night. I’m walking along it, seeing more details, willing myself into the scene. Suddenly, I’m lying across the sidewalk looking up at the silhouette of a man dressed all in black (leather?) with dark, shoulder-length hair. He’s looking directly down at me. I can’t see his eyes but his stare anchors me, solidifies the scene-dream. One of my Guardian Lords? But even as I wonder this, his dark, featureless face seems to be shifting, changing, perhaps becoming something unsavory, and I really shouldn’t be concentrating on it or I’ll wake myself up. Then I clearly hear my mother’s voice. Mami! I get up and follow its unique, beloved ring and call out to her again as I see her standing somewhere that is now clearly lit. She’s speaking animatedly in Spanish and listening to her is rooting me in the dream even as I drift up away from her while responding to her in Spanish. Abruptly I see my right hand, maybe both my hands, drift up in front of me, a faint, ghostly white… I’m dreaming! But I’m barely there yet. I touch my upper body, making an effort to solidify my dream body as I fly over a forest of sorts, the atmosphere that luminous dusk of so many LD’s. At the same time I command the dream, still speaking Spanish (which I find surprising, amusing and pleasing because the words come out without hesitation when in WR it’s my second language) to form the (purple) portal in the sky leading to the pyramids. I’ve accomplished a WILD and I feel I can sustain the dream even as I’m aware of a constricting sensation in my throat and know it’s because of the way my head is positioned on the pillow. I reach a clearing in a soft, water-color kind of world, and the dream fades.