January 23, 2010
Rich in smells and textures unlike “normal” dreams:
I’m in a room with my father, we’re reclining and talking together on the bed. I don’t feel threatened but there’s something strange going on. I’m very aware of his half naked body. I can smell it and I clearly see and feel the sweat on his light-brown skin. He remarks on my moles and I stand up to show him how they’re fading and remind him that I got them from him—his skin is covered in moles and mottled brown spots and there’s a large, irregular birth mark near his groin on his thigh. I’m very young and meek. He seems perfectly gentle, until I resist what, with a sickening sensation, I know is coming, and when I continue to resist he mentions punishment. He wants me to suck his penis but I don’t want to. I know what it’s like and the smell sickens me. I know I have done it many times before and that I’m going to do it again but in the dream I rebel. I say I will go out and tell mother. I leave the room and a woman I know is my mother sees me emerge. I wonder that she isn’t suspicious of what was going on in there. I say there’s something I really need to tell her but she will think me unclean. Father comes out of the room, dressed now in Indian-style clothing, a loose shirt beneath an orange vest of sorts, and suddenly the story wraps up in a third-person narrator sort of way and I know all my fears were confirmed, I was banished and it all ended badly for me somehow.